Letter: Suspected Sompting burglar incident ‘leads to bizarre set of injuries’

This letter was submitted for the attention of ‘Monty Street’, the Worthing Herald print publication’s diarist, who often shares an amusing tale or two. Bob said: “This is one way to amuse yourself while in a lockdown situation.”

I was awakened in the early hours when I thought I heard a noise downstairs. It’s a burglar, I said to myself. I climbed out of bed and crept quietly down the stairs, and on arrival in the hall I flicked the light switch. But for some reason the light didn’t work, so I assumed there was a power cut.

I made my way across to the front door in semi-darkness and decided to peer through the glass panel in the door.

As I went down on my knees I heard my pyjamas split and immediately felt a cold breeze around the orifice.

So there I was on my hands and knees, my face pressed up against the glass, and my buttocks partly exposed. That was when the dog decided to investigate. Suddenly, a cold, wet snout was being shoved up my rear end, and it made me jump.

It was a reflex action that made me jerk forward and crash my head through the glass panel. I was now on my knees, blood dripping from a nosebleed, a cut on my forehead and my pyjamas ripped open.

I stood up, swore at the dog and told him where to go, and I’m sure that animal laughed at me. Anyway, having hobbled across the hall to the downstairs toilet, I decided to relax by sitting on the throne.

As it was still quite dark I struck a match to light a candle. We kept them in the cabinet for emergencies.

Having lit the candle I dropped the match into the toilet bowl but unfortunately I forgot I’d disposed of some ‘white spirit’ that day by tipping it down the lavatory pan.

When the match and white spirit fumes came together it created an explosion like a 5.5 howitzer. Woomph it went! That single burst of flame singed my buttocks while disposing of any hair in that region.

I hobbled painfully to the phone and called for an ambulance, and within five minutes two paramedics were carrying me down the front steps on a stretcher.

They asked how did I manage to damage my face and my rear at the same time, and when I told them what happened they convulsed with laughter.

In fact they laughed so much they dropped me down the front steps and I fell off the stretcher and broke my arm.

I went to hospital with a bloody face, broken arm and a burnt bottom, and they call me Lucky!