DOZY’S RAMBLES: Tongue-in-cheek predictions for 2016

Mike Mendoza
Mike Mendoza
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A very happy New Year to you all. I thought I would go through my (tongue-in-cheek) predictions for the upcoming year.

Adur District Council has half its members up for election in May.

Of course the Conservatives will retain control of the district but with a reduced majority – we may even see some Labour seats this year, with loses for both Conservatives and UKIP.

The new leader of Labour is a former leader of another council who has relocated to Shoreham.

The majority, but not all, of UKIP councillors will keep their seats with no further gains.

Several leading Conservative will lose seats, which will be a bit of a nightmare for the leader of the council.

The former Conservative stronghold of St Mary’s ward will see the loss of one seat with Labour winning a fiercely fought campaign.

St Mary’s used to be Labour prior to the Conservatives gaining the seat over the past 15 years.

At least one cabinet member will be looking for other things to do after May.

Despite receiving a rise in allowances off 45 per cent in 2015, councillors voted in favour of a further 55 per cent this year.

The advantage of this is so councillors do not need a day job, and constituents pay them (councillors) to live, while cutting services to said constituents.

In August the Shoreham Airshow will go ahead, with special dedications to those who lost their lives in the disaster last year.

The show this year will be very tame, compared to previous years, with no jets doing aerobatics – and the same goes for the vintage aircraft that will only do a fly past.

Other predictions include:

• Honours continue to be hoisted upon Shoreham Fort as all members of the community rally around to make the historic area a heritage site that is recognised worldwide, thus becoming a major tourist attraction.

• Hotel chains are now fighting to get a site to build a hotel with conference facilities within the Shoreham area.

• Properties on Shoreham Beach hit the £3 million mark for the first time with a house being sold to a footballer that plays for Brighton & Hove Albion, who are enjoying their first season in the Premier League.

• Despite all the warning signs, much of Shoreham, Lancing and the A27 will be underwater, with new boating and fishing lakes being established where houses used to be.

The county council and environment agencies were well aware, several years ago, of the problems and had a lot of money in hand to install flood defences.

This money will now be earmarked for use elsewhere, possibly to be spend on a new ferry – although don’t hold your breath as whatever project is identified, don’t expect it to actually happen any time soon.

• The Adur Ferry Bridge will be extended to cross the former A259 (now underwater).

• Staying with the bridge, the county council agree at last to install at least ten CCTV cameras that actually work after another spate of glass smashing takes place.

So far a total of 196 panels have been smashed since the bridge opened, with the council insisting that there is an imperfection within the makeup of the glass.

• A shock announcement comes from the NHS care trust to say they are closing almost all hospitals in the West Sussex area. They are however keeping one hospital open in Chichester. When asked how the elderly and sick will get to the hospital, the trust respond by saying: “Sorry, do we have elderly and sick people in the area?”

• The BBC has confirmed that they will not be bringing the ever so popular (well, it was in our house) Cuffs back to our screens.

But in response to public demand and an online petition, Sussex Police announce that they will be employing the entire cast and crew to work for them due to the diversity of the cast and the amazing way in which they managed to solve at least three crimes per week with only a handful of officers.

The Adur Civic Centre will continue to act as the police station, custody suite and even local hospital for the immediate future.

Sussex Police also confirm that their facilities close by, in Ham Road, will now close.

A police spokesman says: “What’s the point of employing so many when eight actors can do just a good a job?”

• Local Adur planners continue to approve some massive housing schemes within the district, thus putting even more strain on the highly inadequate sewerage system.

Southern Water insist that six-inch pipes are still okay for up to 300 homes, but they are insisting that a ‘flushing rota’ be introduced.

Homes with odd numbers will only be allowed to flush their loos on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and every other Sunday.

Meanwhile those with even numbers will be allowed to flush on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and every other Sunday.

Well that’s my take on 2016, as I said it really is tongue-in-cheek, but I wonder how many of us believe it really can happen?

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